Here are five things to do and five to avoid in order to make growing less painful. Use the ideas that resonate with you for building relationship with your kids, your partner, friends, neighbours, and colleagues... anyone you see as significant in your life.
5 Do's:
- Talk openly about how you feel when the other person says or does something that arouses strong feelings within you. An example of this might sound like, "I feel disrespected when I'm trying to tell a story and I'm cut off in mid-sentence by you making a joke."
- Look for the positives in the other person. These would be things
you love, admire or enjoy about the other person. If you can make it a
habit to come up with two positives every time you criticize, correct or
jokingly put down the other person, you'll quickly find you stick to
the positives more easily (to avoid what might seem like hard work). Continue reading....
- Accept the other person for who they are without asking, or insisting, that they change. This isn't the same as condoning a behaviour that is unacceptable to you (i.e. crossing your boundary), but is more about accepting them as a person.
- Take time for fun together. Nothing strengthens a relationship like laughing together, especially when it's a true belly laugh. Look for opportunities to play, talk, laugh and enjoy each other's company.
- Look after yourself. To be effective in any relationship you must look after yourself first. If your partner, child or friend insist that you drop all else just to be there for them, you will run out of steam and not be good for anyone. Of course there will likely be times when you have to give up sleep to comfort a sick child, husband or friend, but if this is happening all the time, you would be well advised to search out some supports for you or start setting stronger boundaries with the adults in your life.
- Use attacking words when you share your feelings with others. Starting a sentence with "You" will often put other's on the defensive and turn your conversation into an argument. Compare this sentence with the example above and see how different it feels, "You always cut me off when I'm in the middle of a story - that's disrespectful!"
- Point out the faults of others, especially when there is little they can do about them (i.e. pointing out they were too slow after they failed to catch the ball). This does nothing but provide fuel for the inner critic - that voice that reminds us of our shortcomings - to latch onto and make them afraid to relax and be authentic around you.
- Put people in a mold. Even though there are things about us that don't change quickly, it is best to avoid sticking labels on people and then insisting they live by them. Allow people to evolve. Life is a journey worth exploring, especially when you are allowed to become the person you feel growing within.
- Get so caught up in life that you can't relax - ever. Rules, routines, cleaning... all have their place, but when they become major stress points, it's probably a good time to re-evaluate. When you find yourself saying no to anything spontaneous or biting your lip instead of laughing at something quite humorous, it's likely you've fallen into this trap and forgotten how to have fun.
- Believe others cannot survive without you or that you are the only one who can do a certain task correctly. This trap is a no win situation and it's not even real. When people believe they cannot function without another they fall into victim mode much more easily when that person is not around. Your child does need an adult to look after him or her for the first number of years of life, but that person does not always have to be you. Cell phones are causing a lot of people to never get to practice problem solving as there is always someone they can call to do it for them. None of us are indispensable, but all of us are important.
No comments:
Post a Comment